The Truth shall set you free

I have been struggling a great deal in the past few months with the process I'm in toward applying, and prayerfully being accepted into, graduate school. There's been a lot of fear in my heart about this for a long time. People whose judgment I trust and respect have encouraged me to pursue graduate studies; my hesitation has come from within myself, arising out of my own fear. After much struggle and wrestling, I determined that I would prepare and apply to three grad schools, praying and believing that the Lord will guide my footsteps, because I really do want to be where He wants me to be. However, my heart and mind have still been plagued by fear and discouragement. I don't feel that others are placing pressure or unrealistic expectations on me; I am placing these burdens on myself. I'm the one who's afraid of rejection; I'm the one who's afraid I won't be good enough. And satan has been wrecking havoc in my mind, exploiting my insecurities and miring me in doubt and fear.

I've been wearing these fears, insecurities and frustrations like a heavy cloak. And they're choking me, stifling me, robbing me of my joy. And it all came to a head (again) at my voice lesson today. I haven't seen my voice teacher in about six weeks or so. And I feel like I'm in terrible shape vocally, therefore I'm freaking out about having to audition and how I'm going to be ready. I tried to tell her what bad shape I'm in. She immediately stopped me and in a way that only she can, addressed the error and ultimately counter-productive result of my self-deprecation. Being self critical is important, because it helps you improve, she said, but it can also keep you from making process, because it can cause so much discouragement. She said, "You think you're in bad shape, because you FEEL bad. Well, I don't care how you feel. I'm basing my evaluation on reality and on what I hear, not on how you feel." She pointed out, as she has done many times, that what's going on my mind has a huge effect on the outcome of my efforts. For me, this is not a matter of just "thinking happy thoughts". It's a matter of taking my thoughts captive and telling myself the truth. I have always set high expectations for myself, usually higher than the expectations of others. I have very little grace for my own limitations and weaknesses; far, far less grace than the Lord has for me. The expectations I have adopted are not His - they're mine. And that's why they're like millstones around my neck; that's why the drag me down; rather than inspire freedom and joy, they breed oppression and despair. No wonder I've been a basket-case!! I have not been living the abundant life Jesus died to give me. I have been living me own life. Father, forgive me.

So by God's grace, this cycle of fear and doubt ends here. I know the journey will still be difficult; my flesh is weak. But by His stripes, I have been healed. With God all things are possible. I don't know why it takes me so long to learn what He's trying to teach me, but praise God! He is faithful and patient and merciful. Lord, may my song rise to You and be a sweet fragrance.